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I was listening to a couple songs by Misty Edwards and I was
overwhelmed by the way God loves me again with this picture:
I imagined a time when I have been scared, overwhelmed,
unsure, hurting- a time when I have been too busy to remember God or Jesus or
His Spirit. I start to feel pressed,
stretched thin, alone, empty, void- you know that feeling. One of the line in the song says this; “Oh
angels o angels, look and see through the dark cloud of mystery she is staring
at me. and you have ravaged My heart, My
sister, My bride, with one look from your eyes…” I was overwhelmed with the memory of His love. Of this romance I am invited into. Overwhelmed that I could have forgotten it
again. To think that God- in all his majesty
stops to notice me trying to see through the thick clouds of mystery and
confusion that surrounds me at times- that He would stop and say to His angels
with excitement- “Look!!!! Look!!! She
is looking for me!!!” that I- little me,
the weak lover the forgetful beloved- like the Light Princess who had lost her
gravity- that I could RAVAGE His heart –
with only one glance from my eye. That I
am His sister. That I am His bride. All “mundane” feelings of life melted away
with that moment. The dishes and the
laundry and the poopy diapers were filled up with magic again with that remembrance.
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| “Most Western women have never been physically tested until we go through labor and birth… haven’t gone eighteen or twenty hours without food or sleep … allowed ourselves to go a day or two without a bath or shower without brushing our teeth and doing our hair and makeup. Even fewer of us would allow anyone else to see, smell, or touch us unwashed, sweat-soaked, naked, oozing mucus, blood and feces from our nether region. When faced with the forces of labor we can’t hide the fear, the anxiety, the responses to pain... all the inhibitions and trappings of our social selves are peeled away as our bodies thrust and heave, vomit and grunt, cry and leak. The animal is there for everyone to see.”
Yeah- if that doesn’t make a person feel a little unsettled, I don’t know what will. Especially if you happen to be a woman who is probably going to go into labor some time in the next 2 weeks or so.
What is it that is so damn frightening about being seen in such a state? To be unpeeled… left open. Like Adam and Eve, I am struck with a desperate desire to cover myself up. As if my very life depended on it.
What is in that place of vulnerability that is so big? Why does fear rule so strongly in it? What doesn’t my Enemy want me to find there? Why does Jesus go there? Do you suppose He was naked on the cross? Ripped and torn and bloody? Do you suppose He lost control of His bodily functions at some point during His torment? Do you think He made uncontrollably terrible noises as the metal ripped at His flesh when they flogged Him? Do you wonder if snot oozed out of His nose as he wept? Do you think they left Him with even a scrap of His dignity? Displayed on a cross, hung high for all to see, mocked for standing as a King in such a degrading state, spit on as if He were a thief, a liar, a murderer, a molester, a criminal.
That was the path- through that death, through that pain, through that humiliation, through that vulnerability, through that giving- THROUGH it. Into death and through it into new life. A death of old things- many of them good things. A birth of new things- many of them difficult things. But always more Life.
The man at the temple who beat his breast- I wonder if in the spirit world, he looked like a woman in labor.
“A broken and contrite heart He will not despise” (Psalm 51)
“All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end.” (Rom 5)
“Since the children (that is me) have flesh and blood, He too shared in their humanity so that by His death He might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil—and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.” (Heb 2)
“and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” (Phil 3)
So, I am giving away my control. I will stand against my fear, and give- with Hope that my God speaks in the base things of this world. Believing that He whispers to me - if I will listen- in the dirty/messy and natural things of this life that I live. Reaching into the darkness with anticipation that in my vulnerability I will be safe in Him. That He will come to rescue me and bring me through a kind of death and into new beginnings.
“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness ‘ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me” (2 Cor 12)
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Here are a couple more pictures:
36 weeks:
39 weeks:
We could have the baby any day now!!! My mom gets here on
Monday which is exciting. John can't
wait to get ahold of this little one.
And look how beautiful our new kitchen looks 
 Isn't the window to the living room great!!!
We LOVE having non-sixties lighting.... Goodbye to overhead
florencents! Hello Halogen!
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| New favorite song…. From Josh Groban’s new album called Awake is Don’t Give Up. Here is my favorite verse:
Don’t give up, it’s just the hurt that you hide
When you’re lost inside, I’ll be there to find you
Don’t give up, because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you, I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up because you are loved…
This little section speaks volumes to me. It has been VERY encouraging this past week. Huge idea to be reminded of simple truth that much of my fear in life (also resulting in stress, loneliness, insecurity, anger, sadness, etc) is because I am trying to hide the hurts in me- hide them from others so I won’t get hurt again, hide them from myself so I don’t have to heal from them or fight against the tendencies they create in me, hide them from people so I won’t get rejected or made fun of. But then to remember that Jesus came to heal me. That I have His Spirit to help me do that. That I am Loved. That when I get lost inside, He is there to find me. I don’t get to just bury my head in the sand or hide in the dark corners. He wants more than that for me. And so do I. When I look at Him and remember how much I am loved, I want to burn bright too. I was made to do that. Not to be muddied up and made dull and dirty. He came a long way to uncover me- to make me clean and shiny and bright again. Giving up isn’t in the plan. But fighting not to is in the plan.
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